how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
