so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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