i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
