i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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