Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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