My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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