the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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