1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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