That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
