His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
