Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
