You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
