I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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