I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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