I cannot find my penis.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Randomize
