I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Randomize
