ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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