What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I didn't notice because vodka
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
