I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
