your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
