I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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