I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
