why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
