I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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