matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
