i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
