i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
