mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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