I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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