I must be too annoying 4 u.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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