you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
