i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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