It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
