I understand why you refuse to be sober now
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
