swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
