oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
