You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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