You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Mom said you looked used
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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