It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
