If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Randomize
