I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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