this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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