ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
