haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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