I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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