Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
