I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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