I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You ate ashes out of my bong
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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