Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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