the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Randomize
