Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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